August 4, 2008

Rant: Rock Bands I Would Never Miss

Here's a list of Bands/musicians I would not mind seeing involved in a plane/bus crash. There's plenty more obvious artists that everyone hates, but these overrated acts can instantly make me want to crank the steering wheel off a cliff.

-No Doubt / Gwen Stephani
The Ska scene was almost still relevant when No Doubt applied their SoCal twist to it. Sure, I bet if you're a huge No Doubt fan they were great before the rest of the country caught on etc. But I have news for you, if it ceases to stay real when it's popular, it was never real in the first place. And Gwen Stephani's little pouty expressions, her look-at-me-i'm-funky style, and her candy lyrics are not cute. I know there are plenty of guys who disagree but I'm not buying it. I could honestly go the rest of my life without hearing from them again.
(*Addendum - I met Gwen Stefani the other day. She was actually very nice. But I stand by my distaste for her music.)

-Jimmy (F***ing) Buffet
I never really felt one way or another until a recent trip to Florida where the hotel played Jimmy Buffet's satelite station from every speaker indoors and out. I discovered I find his music insultingly, and mind-numbingly awful. I'm all for drunkin' good-time music but Jimmy Buffet is a hack.

Yeah, I said it. U2 has been getting the universal awesomeness award for WAY too long. I'm here to say that their music is garbage and Bono is NOT GOD. I appreciate the good work they claim to do, but let's stop treating Bono like he's a political figure. He's just another aging rocker mistaking fame for importance.

Oh Please. Enough Already. The commercial mileage accumulated from their few bubble-gum marketing hits is nausiating. Everything from Shrek to Pizza Hut has been the John to their musical prostitution. And does anyone actually like them? NO! It just so happens their crap is catchy and in-offensive, and it makes old white guys feel cool in the same way that Chumbawumba did.

-Counting Crows
Sure, there was a time I thought Adam Duritz was a genius. Their narcoleptic ramblings were great when I was a depressed teenager, but now it's just obnoxious. I even thought I still liked them until I kept skipping them on my streaming radio channel. Have you ever heard them live? Adam Duritz can't even carry his own tunes! "OOooohh...he's so experimental!" I hereby declare The Counting Crows over.

-The Greatful Dead
I've never had a use for the Dead. I didn't even have the energy to pretend to like them in high school. I respect the jam-band genre and their influence is much appreciated. But it's not for me.

-Elvis Costello
Please shoot me. I used to work at an office where Elvis Costello was on heavy rotation. And although I never paid him much mind before, I discovered that he's an absolutely wretched musician, with a horrible voice and lyrics that are no where near as brilliant as he thinks they are. To this day, I can't hear Elvis Costello without feeling the need to strangle someone.

Wow. Yes, a legendary rock band...who should have stopped recording in the 80's. At a certain point you become a characture of yourself. At this point their rock-balad formula is as tired as the bags under Steven Tyler's lips.

Other notable acts I find completely tedius include The Beatles and Elvis. Both are consistently ranked the #1 and 2 of all time, yet I find that their sound is completely intolerable. I respect them as historical figures in music, and often like their music when redone by another artist. But I can't stand listening to either artist's original recordings. But I do make a distinction between them and the previous artists mentioned because they more-or-less stopped making music before my skull fully hardened. Also in or near this category: The Beach Boys, The Who, The Stones (Yes I know they're still touring), The Eagles (Although I like hearing my father in law play their tunes), and Pink Floyd. Again, all have made a valid contribution to music but I can't stand listening to them.

The list really does go on and on.

*Disclaimer: I fully expect at least some of you to object to the preceding statements. I just don't care. These are just my opinions and you're entitled to your own.


Maddy's Mom said...

what happened to make you so angry today?!? did your fav station go oldies on ya or something?!? :)

Sarah said...


Joe said...

Not angry. This has been building up for a while. And I'm not ashamed.

Maddy's Mom said...

gwen stephani is on right now and i'm thinking of you!!! lol